Struggle

   Many people struggle through many different situations. One of mine (trust me there are a ton) is my undying, unfading want and need to get stronger and feel healthier. But with CMT that can be hard. It is a neuropathy that weakens my nerves and effects my muscles as well. This adds to the fatigue that one would normally feel when they work out.

   I swim competitively. At least I did until November of 2013 when I decided to start homeschooling. I still train to keep in shape and to get rid of stress. The pool and the gym are two places where I can actually think. But as I exercise and I get stronger, I run into a problematic cycle: For about one or two weeks I can feel my body get stronger, but then a drastic change in weather screws with my legs making them so tired that I can't walk or I get a bout of my leg pains for maybe a couple days or weeks. After the pain is gone however I am back at square one or even farther behind then I started.

   I often come across as a strong, brave person. Someone who has grown up facing obstacles and so people sometimes forget that I am human. I am weak. I bleed. I cry. I want to give up.

   I have days where I wonder "Why the heck am I even trying to walk a mile on this treadmill? What's the point? I'm just going to break again and all this work and sweat, and tears will be for nothing." I am told "take it slow" and "you'll get the hang of it" and "Dana, you are so strong". But those are just words. Just phrases that people can easily say and think of. It's harder for me to believe no matter how much you mean it. It's hard for me to believe it because for 15 years my body has rejected me. It has hated me. I have been beaten down by my own body. My legs that turn on me at the worst times.

    But I can't just throw down the towel, lay down on the floor, and cry. That's why despite the struggles and the pains that I get for exercising and forcing my body to get stronger, I'm going to try. I guess I have to. I mean....I've come this far right? I'm not sure how it's going to work out; I could very well die trying (you know falling off the treadmill, legs giving out in all...that was a joke people. Laugh).

  

                        Until then

XOXO,
Dana