Stranger Stares and Whispered Conversations

I remember the first day I took in my wheelchair during middle school. I was so uncomfortable because no one had even known about my CMT up until then and I knew that I would be stared at and whispered about. And I was right. I did get looks, questions, snide comments, eye rolls, and I could tell that people in my classes and in the hallways were whispering about me. 
    I had people call me:

•  cripple,
• disabled,
• different,
•  "wheelchair girl",

And many others that crack my protective shell I put up. I also got stared at quite a bit. Those stares include, but aren't limited to-

•  the "pity" stare,
• the "poor baby" stare,
• the "can't believe she's taking so long" stare,
• the "hurry up" look,
• and the "she's a burden, but we can't tell her that" look.

    But it's not just at school that I  get these comments or looks. I see this at stores when I drop something or am trying to maneuver my chair and grab things off the shelf. I see it at resturants when I can't figure out what to do with my wheelchair because there isn't enough room to turn around or there isn't enough space for my chair to fit comfortably without being in the way. I see it when I go out to the mall with my friends and am looking at really cute clothes.
    My Mom always gives me about 4-7 days to recover from my leg pains {depending on how bad the cycle of pain was} before I go back to school. Within this time I'm home I work on homework, try to relax my legs to help the pain go away, and watch countless episodes of Gilmore Girls and Law and Order. But as the week goes on and I know I'll be going back to school in my wheelchair I get nervous. Not nervous like "about to go on a rollercoaster nervous" or "about to go sing on stage" nervous. I'm talking about "crying, shaking, panic attack" nervous. Because I knew that I'd have to put up with jerks who have no sense of tack, people who asks tons of questions {which I love, but when I'm trying to work on my math paper or trying to get to the cafeteria the time isn't ideal}, those who think they know more about my disability then I do, and the endless amount of non-handicap accessible places in my school {i.e bathroom and the elevator that constantly breaks}.
   I reached a low in my life where I started to pity myself....I pitied myself because I can't do the things I used to be able to do with ease. I need help getting things down from a high shelf, I rely on my friends to help me get my lunch from the lunch lady because the counter is too high up, and I take much longer to write my English assignments down.
    I finally stopped when I realized how lucky I am to even be able to move myself from my bed to my wheelchair or how I can feed myself. I hated that I was full of pity. I had no right to be upset with the world, because even if I can't change the situation, I can change my outlook.
   I think I've figured out what has made me so uncomfortable about being in my wheelchair. It's the fact that people insinuate that because I'm in a wheelchair that I am a helpless creature. And by seeing the pity in their eyes it causes me to see that weakness in myself....but I'm not weak. Their beliefs and thoughts don't reflect who I am, they reflect who they are. Their beliefs reflect their own insecurities, naiveté, and incompetence.
   It's not up to me to be their judge or to sneer at their mistakes, it's a chance for me to teach someone...and maybe, just maybe I can change their outlook and by extension change the way someone in my situation sees themselves.

Hope you have an amazing week!

-Dana

Songs:
It's Your Life: Francesca Battistelli
Praise You in This Storm: Casting Crowns